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Written before I became a serious gentle with me!





Was ever a book/movie so perfect for parody and fan-fic?

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How to make Lord of the Rings dialogue part of every-day speech

We can’t be watching Lord of the Rings 24 hours a day – unfortunately – but we can make it part of our every day life. There are so many ways we can bring it into any conversation.  (WIP)


Galadriel: The world is changed. Speaks for itself. Unfortunately, all too true.

Galadriel: I feel it in the water. Telling your doctor you think you have a bladder infection

Galadriel: I smell it in the air. Accusations against husband, child or dog.

Galadriel: Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it. Speaking of men before marriage

Frodo: You're late! Can be used in all number of circumstances and directed at the majority of humans, especially men

Frodo: He is up to something. When talking to friends about partner/husband

Bilbo: No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations! Useful on a Sunday morning when you’re having a lie-in

Gandalf: You haven’t aged a day. Lying to old schoofriend

Bilbo: Come on, come in! Welcome, welcome! Should man from Lottery call

Bilbo:! Not that it matters, you come and go as you please. Always have done and always will. More husband material

Bilbo: You caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid. We have some cold chicken and pickles... Here's some cheese here- oh no it won't do. There we got raspberry jam and apple tart... Not much for after lunch - oh no! We're all right. I have some cake. I can make you some eggs if you like. Fat friend/relative has called.

Bilbo: I'm not at home! Instructions to child when debt collector/milkman etc. at door

Bilbo: I need a holiday, a very long holiday. Any working mum

Sam: I think I’ll just have another beer. Husband on night out

Frodo: Oh no you don’t. Wife’s response

Merry:  No, the big one, the big one!    Instruction to husband when he's at the Adult Toy Drawer.

Pippin: It was your idea! Any time you are trying to escape blame.

Frodo: Watch out for the dragon. Advice for friend visiting partners mother, or meeting her for the first time.

Bilbo: I, uh, I h-have things to do. I’ve put this off for far too long. Those of us who spend too long on the PC or watching DVDs

Gandalf: I suppose you think that was terribly clever. On the numerous occasions when husband does something that's actually terribly stupid.

Bilbo:. It’s in an envelope over there on the mantelpiece. Money for the milkman, key for neighbour when going on holiday etc. etc.

Bilbo:. Heh, isn’t that, isn’t that odd though? Thinking kids just might have done the dishes whilst you’re out

Gandalf: There’s no need to get angry. Husband tries to pacify you

Bilbo: Well if I’m angry, it’s your fault! Your response

Gandalf: I think you’ve had that Ring quite long enough. Husband/Wife hinting at divorce

Gandalf: Until our next meeting. If you are a company director

Gandalf: My precious… Precious… Husband when he’s after something!

Frodo: He's gone hasn't he? He talked for so long about leaving. I didn't think he'd really do it. Coming home to find husband’s wardrobe empty.

Gandalf: Questions. Questions that need answering! You finally get on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire" - or you refuse to let husband move until he tells you where he's been etc.

Gandalf:. Keep it secret. Keep it safe. You’ve bought your married lover an expensive present

Gandalf: You must leave and leave quickly. Oops. Husband has come home unexpectedly.

Gandalf: Travel only by day. And stay off the road. Advice for travellers to Moss Side, Manchester or similar parts of other major cities!.

Gandalf:. We do not know who else may be watching! Make sure you and your partner are discreet when outside

Saruman: The hour is later than you think.. Time to pack the kids off to bed

Saruman: I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly. But you...have elected...the way of pain! Kids have refused to help with the chores

Sam: I thought I’d lost you. Will be used countless times to toddlers who disappear in shops. Can also be used by you or partner after major row.

Sam: Get off him! To partner’s secretary when you pay surprise visit to the office.

Pippin: What's the meaning of this? Kids have Latin homework again

Merry: ‘Dunno why he is so upset. It’s only a couple of carrots! Male infant has tantrum when forced to eat vegetables

Merry: My point is, he is clearly overreacting. Complaining about partner’s reaction to latest credit card/phone bill.

Pippin: Ohh! That was close An alternative to “Husband has come home unexpectedly". See above

Frodo: I think we should get off the road. Not the best place to stand and chat

Frodo: Get off the road! Quick! When no-one has taken notice of suggestion as above

Pippin: What is going on? Discovered with lover!

Pippin: Get down! Dog is on the couch again

Pippin:  It comes in pints.   You have a cheapskate mate who only ever buys you a half.

Sam: That fellow’s done nothin’ but stare at you since we arrived. You’re out with an attractive friend

Frodo: Excuse me, that man in the corner, who is he? You’ve seen someone you fancy

Butterbur: He’s one of them rangers. You’ve spotted a footballer whilst in Glasgow.

Voice of Sauron: You cannot hide! I see you! There is no life in the void…only death… The kids have upset you

Strider: You draw far too much attention to yourself.  You don’t like your teenage daughter’s clothes

Strider: Are you frightened? To be used in conjunction with…..

Strider: Not nearly frightened enough. Kids have been misbehaving again

Pippin: What about breakfast? Hoping he might stay a bit longer.

Frodo: What are you doing?! Hopefully his response…...

Merry: Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy bacon. … and then yours

Saruman: We have work to do! No you can’t go on the Internet/Play Station/watch TV etc.

Sam: Back you devils! You’ve just arrived home with the weekly shop.

Strider: He’s passing into the shadow world. Partner has had a heavy night out with the boys

Arwen: What’s this? A ranger caught off his guard? Useful if you are playing football in Scotland and wish to taunt a defender after you’ve scored a goal.

Strider: The road is too dangerous During a meeting on road safety in your neighbourhood

Pippin: What are they saying? Any parent listening to kidspeak

Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him! Standing up to your love rival

Elrond: Men? Men are weak. Self explanatory and we say it all the time anyway.

Elrond: Cast it into the fire! Cold night on a camping trip

Boromir: It's still sharp! You find an old knife at the back of the kitchen drawer

Aragorn: The same blood flows in my veins. Introducing yourself to any friend of an immediate family member

Arwen: Do you remember when we first met? Shortly to be followed by “Well you’ve changed…..”

Arwen: I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone. If you’re a man, this could well work if trying to impress. Probably if you're a woman too, as men are gullible......

Gimli: What are we waiting for? Everyone else is in the car waiting to go….but there’s always one.

Elrond: One of you must do this. The trash needs to go out......

Frodo: I will take it!’ve offered money to whoever volunteers

Boromir:. There is evil there that does not sleep. And the great Eye is ever watchful. Discussing the in-laws.

Frodo: I do not know the way. Someone’s asked you for a lift, and you really don’t want to go out

Frodo: It’s so light! Compliment a friend’s baking

Aragorn: Move your feet. You’re doing the vacuuming whilst partner is sitting down.

Gimli: If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they’re not.  Any family discussion

Sam: What is that? Partner/teenage child has attempted to cook a meal

Boromir: It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing… Such a little thing. You’re insecure and can’t resist the chance  to make husband equally so.

Boromir: As you wish. I care not. Partner is off for a night out with the boys/girls. Or has told you they’re leaving you.

Saruman: May your horn be bloodstained!   You're obviously very angry with him.

Gimli: If we cannot pass over a mountain, let us go under it. You’re on holiday in the mountains and the high pass is closed for roadworks, but there’s a tunnel .

Merry: What do you suppose that means? You’re telling a friend about latest row with partner, who stormed out with “You’ll be sorry”.

Sam: Buh-bye Bill You’ve finally paid off the credit card.

Aragorn: Go on, Bill, go on. Don’t worry Sam, he knows the way home. Probably only useful if you happen to be out with Bill and Sam.

Aragorn: Do not disturb the water. You just bought piranha for the garden fishpond

Gandalf: Oh, it’s useless! Discussing marriage (or husband)

Boromir: Now get out, get out! Yep another domestic....

Gandalf: I have no memory of this place Feigned amnesia in the kitchen when you're heartily sick of cooking

Pippin: Are we lost? Driving somewhere with a man who as usual refuses to ask directions

Pippin: I think we are. Continuation of above.

Pippin: I’m hungry. Can be used any time, anywhere.

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened You wish you’d listened to your mother.

Gandalf:. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. Husband has gone away on a business trip and you intend to enjoy it

Gandalf: Let me risk a little more light. You’re short of money for the electric meter

Sam: Now there’s an eye opener, and no mistake. Office gossip

Legolas: We must move on, we cannot linger! Partner does not share your pleasure in retail therapy

Gandalf: We cannot get out…They are coming.  Unwelcome visitors have seen you through the window

Boromir: They have a cave-troll. Doubtful that you could realistically bring this into a conversation, but who cares. It’s one of the best lines in the film.

Sam: I think I’m getting the hang of this. For the first time, you’ve managed not to hit something during your driving lesson.

Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf. Vertically challenged person complaining about his/her sex life.

Gimli: Not the beard! Barber is razor-happy

Gandalf: YOU….SHALL NOT...PASS!! Child not studying hard enough for exams

Gandalf: Fly you fools! Trying to convince someone that going by sea takes too long.