Written before I became a serious writer....be gentle with me!
THE MADNESS THAT IS LORD OF THE RINGS!
Was ever a book/movie so perfect for parody and fan-fic?
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We can’t be watching Lord of the Rings 24 hours a day – unfortunately – but we can make it part of our every day life. There are so many ways we can bring it into any conversation. (WIP)
FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING.
Galadriel: The world is changed. Speaks for itself. Unfortunately, all too true.
Galadriel: I feel it in the water. Telling your doctor you think you have a bladder infection
Galadriel: I smell it in the air. Accusations against husband, child or dog.
Galadriel: Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it. Speaking of men before marriage
Frodo: You're late! Can be used in all number of circumstances and directed at the majority of humans, especially men
Frodo: He is up to something. When talking to friends about partner/husband
Bilbo: No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations! Useful on a Sunday morning when you’re having a lie-in
Gandalf: You haven’t aged a day. Lying to old schoofriend
Bilbo: Come on, come in! Welcome, welcome! Should man from Lottery call
Bilbo:! Not that it matters, you come and go as you please. Always have done and always will. More husband material
Bilbo: You caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid. We have some cold chicken and pickles... Here's some cheese here- oh no it won't do. There we got raspberry jam and apple tart... Not much for after lunch - oh no! We're all right. I have some cake. I can make you some eggs if you like. Fat friend/relative has called.
Bilbo: I'm not at home! Instructions to child when debt collector/milkman etc. at door
Bilbo: I need a holiday, a very long holiday. Any working mum
Sam: I think I’ll just have another beer. Husband on night out
Frodo: Oh no you don’t. Wife’s response
Merry: No, the big one, the big one! Instruction to husband when he's at the Adult Toy Drawer.
Pippin: It was your idea! Any time you are trying to escape blame.
Frodo: Watch out for the dragon. Advice for friend visiting partners mother, or meeting her for the first time.
Bilbo: I, uh, I h-have things to do. I’ve put this off for far too long. Those of us who spend too long on the PC or watching DVDs
Gandalf: I suppose you think that was terribly clever. On the numerous occasions when husband does something that's actually terribly stupid.
Bilbo:. It’s in an envelope over there on the mantelpiece. Money for the milkman, key for neighbour when going on holiday etc. etc.
Bilbo:. Heh, isn’t that, isn’t that odd though? Thinking kids just might have done the dishes whilst you’re out
Gandalf: There’s no need to get angry. Husband tries to pacify you
Bilbo: Well if I’m angry, it’s your fault! Your response
Gandalf: I think you’ve had that Ring quite long enough. Husband/Wife hinting at divorce
Gandalf: Until our next meeting. If you are a company director
Gandalf: My precious… Precious… Husband when he’s after something!
Frodo: He's gone hasn't he? He talked for so long about leaving. I didn't think he'd really do it. Coming home to find husband’s wardrobe empty.
Gandalf: Questions. Questions that need answering! You finally get on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire" - or you refuse to let husband move until he tells you where he's been etc.
Gandalf:. Keep it secret. Keep it safe. You’ve bought your married lover an expensive present
Gandalf: You must leave and leave quickly. Oops. Husband has come home unexpectedly.
Gandalf: Travel only by day. And stay off the road. Advice for travellers to Moss Side, Manchester or similar parts of other major cities!.
Gandalf:. We do not know who else may be watching! Make sure you and your partner are discreet when outside
Saruman: The hour is later than you think.. Time to pack the kids off to bed
Saruman: I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly. But you...have elected...the way of pain! Kids have refused to help with the chores
Sam: I thought I’d lost you. Will be used countless times to toddlers who disappear in shops. Can also be used by you or partner after major row.
Sam: Get off him! To partner’s secretary when you pay surprise visit to the office.
Pippin: What's the meaning of this? Kids have Latin homework again
Merry: ‘Dunno why he is so upset. It’s only a couple of carrots! Male infant has tantrum when forced to eat vegetables
Merry: My point is, he is clearly overreacting. Complaining about partner’s reaction to latest credit card/phone bill.
Pippin: Ohh! That was close An alternative to “Husband has come home unexpectedly". See above
Frodo: I think we should get off the road. Not the best place to stand and chat
Frodo: Get off the road! Quick! When no-one has taken notice of suggestion as above
Pippin: What is going on? Discovered with lover!
Pippin: Get down! Dog is on the couch again
Pippin: It comes in pints. You have a cheapskate mate who only ever buys you a half.
Sam: That fellow’s done nothin’ but stare at you since we arrived. You’re out with an attractive friend
Frodo: Excuse me, that man in the corner, who is he? You’ve seen someone you fancy
Butterbur: He’s one of them rangers. You’ve spotted a footballer whilst in Glasgow.
Voice of Sauron: You cannot hide! I see you! There is no life in the void…only death… The kids have upset you
Strider: You draw far too much attention to yourself. You don’t like your teenage daughter’s clothes
Strider: Are you frightened? To be used in conjunction with…..
Strider: Not nearly frightened enough. Kids have been misbehaving again
Pippin: What about breakfast? Hoping he might stay a bit longer.
Frodo: What are you doing?! Hopefully his response…...
Merry: Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy bacon. … and then yours
Saruman: We have work to do! No you can’t go on the Internet/Play Station/watch TV etc.
Sam: Back you devils! You’ve just arrived home with the weekly shop.
Strider: He’s passing into the shadow world. Partner has had a heavy night out with the boys
Arwen: What’s this? A ranger caught off his guard? Useful if you are playing football in Scotland and wish to taunt a defender after you’ve scored a goal.
Strider: The road is too dangerous During a meeting on road safety in your neighbourhood
Pippin: What are they saying? Any parent listening to kidspeak
Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him! Standing up to your love rival
Elrond: Men? Men are weak. Self explanatory and we say it all the time anyway.
Elrond: Cast it into the fire! Cold night on a camping trip
Boromir: It's still sharp! You find an old knife at the back of the kitchen drawer
Aragorn: The same blood flows in my veins. Introducing yourself to any friend of an immediate family member
Arwen: Do you remember when we first met? Shortly to be followed by “Well you’ve changed…..”
Arwen: I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone. If you’re a man, this could well work if trying to impress. Probably if you're a woman too, as men are gullible......
Gimli: What are we waiting for? Everyone else is in the car waiting to go….but there’s always one.
Elrond: One of you must do this. The trash needs to go out......
Frodo: I will take it! ...you’ve offered money to whoever volunteers
Boromir:. There is evil there that does not sleep. And the great Eye is ever watchful. Discussing the in-laws.
Frodo: I do not know the way. Someone’s asked you for a lift, and you really don’t want to go out
Frodo: It’s so light! Compliment a friend’s baking
Aragorn: Move your feet. You’re doing the vacuuming whilst partner is sitting down.
Gimli: If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they’re not. Any family discussion
Sam: What is that? Partner/teenage child has attempted to cook a meal
Boromir: It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing… Such a little thing. You’re insecure and can’t resist the chance to make husband equally so.
Boromir: As you wish. I care not. Partner is off for a night out with the boys/girls. Or has told you they’re leaving you.
Saruman: May your horn be bloodstained! You're obviously very angry with him.
Gimli: If we cannot pass over a mountain, let us go under it. You’re on holiday in the mountains and the high pass is closed for roadworks, but there’s a tunnel .
Merry: What do you suppose that means? You’re telling a friend about latest row with partner, who stormed out with “You’ll be sorry”.
Sam: Buh-bye Bill You’ve finally paid off the credit card.
Aragorn: Go on, Bill, go on. Don’t worry Sam, he knows the way home. Probably only useful if you happen to be out with Bill and Sam.
Aragorn: Do not disturb the water. You just bought piranha for the garden fishpond
Gandalf: Oh, it’s useless! Discussing marriage (or husband)
Boromir: Now get out, get out! Yep another domestic....
Gandalf: I have no memory of this place Feigned amnesia in the kitchen when you're heartily sick of cooking
Pippin: Are we lost? Driving somewhere with a man who as usual refuses to ask directions
Pippin: I think we are. Continuation of above.
Pippin: I’m hungry. Can be used any time, anywhere.
Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened You wish you’d listened to your mother.
Gandalf:. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. Husband has gone away on a business trip and you intend to enjoy it
Gandalf: Let me risk a little more light. You’re short of money for the electric meter
Sam: Now there’s an eye opener, and no mistake. Office gossip
Legolas: We must move on, we cannot linger! Partner does not share your pleasure in retail therapy
Gandalf: We cannot get out…They are coming. Unwelcome visitors have seen you through the window
Boromir: They have a cave-troll. Doubtful that you could realistically bring this into a conversation, but who cares. It’s one of the best lines in the film.
Sam: I think I’m getting the hang of this. For the first time, you’ve managed not to hit something during your driving lesson.
Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf. Vertically challenged person complaining about his/her sex life.
Gimli: Not the beard! Barber is razor-happy
Gandalf: YOU….SHALL NOT...PASS!! Child not studying hard enough for exams
Gandalf: Fly you fools! Trying to convince someone that going by sea takes too long.